​Today's youth struggle with a variety of challenges from increased mental health symptoms, bullying (virtual and in person) and pressure to present perfection via social media. While all youth struggle with varying issues, LGTBQ+ youth have added pressures to manage. The Williams Institute reports that there are approximately 3.2 million LGBTQ youth between the ages of eight and 18.  While younger generations are becoming more accepting of these youth, they still face significant adversity in their families and communities. 
 
The Trevor Project’s 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health found that of LGBTQ youth are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than their fellow peers, with 1.8 million LGBTQ youth (13-24), seriously consider suicide each year in the U.S. — and at least one attempts suicide every 45 seconds.
 
Those are some scary statistics and what is even scarier is 48% of LGBTQ youth reported they wanted counseling from a mental health professional but were unable to receive it in the past year. Whether the family being unable to afford help, being unsure how to access help or feeling as if they can't ask for help due to having to tell parents why. 
 
What are the signs of someone who are struggling with thoughts of suicide? 
Often you see these following signs: 

• Not caring about their future: “It won’t matter soon anyway.”
• Putting themselves down – and think they deserve it: “I don’t deserve to live. I suck.”
• Expressing hopelessness: “Things will never get better for me.”
• Saying goodbye to important people: “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I’ll miss you.”
• Having a specific plan for suicide: “I’ve thought about how I’d do it.”
• Talking about feeling suicidal: “Life is so hard. Lately I’ve felt like ending it all.”

 
As ally’s, parents and friends, what can we do if someone speaks their truth to us? Support them the best way that we can. The Trevor Project’s research consistently finds that LGBTQ young people report lower rates of attempting suicide when they have access to LGBTQ-affirming spaces. Having at least one accepting adult can reduce the risk of a suicide attempt among LGBTQ young people by 40 percent.
 
What does it look like to support and create a safe affirming space? It’s allowing them to choose how they want to live without pressure to fit in the norm. It means validating them by utilizing their appropriate pronouns, chosen name and being willing to learn. The easiest thing you can do is talk to them. Let them know you are willing to and want to learn how to support them the best way that you can. It also means standing up for them in spaces where they can’t. Whether it's with schools, sports, or even family members. 
As always be aware of your own thoughts and feelings, it's normal to struggle with the changes that your child is going through. Often because we don't fully understand what is happening, have preconceived notions about the LGBTQ community and just plain worry over your child’s future. It might not hurt to have your own support by receiving therapy for yourself as well. 
 
Here are some more resources to learn, educate and obtain support for yourself and your youth:
National:
The Trevor Project
Family acceptance Project
PFLAG
Human Rights Campaign 
Gender Spectrum
 
Local:
GLYS of Western New York
PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara Area
 
References:
https://www.lgbtmap.org/policy-and-issue-analysis/LGBTQ-youth
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/facts-about-lgbtq-youth-suicide/
https://genderspectrum.org/articles/supportive-parenting 

By Aaron Reslink, LMHC, CASAC-T

​Links in this article are not affiliated with Hillview Mental Health Counseling

OK, so you’ve tried mindfulness.. Maybe you’ve listened to a Calm App meditation or attended a therapy session using meditation. You either said “wow this does something!!” Or, “what was that supposed to do?” Regardless, you’re at a point where it’s time to deepen your practice. 

Meditation is simultaneously a tool and nothing at all. You relax into it, you concentrate, but you can’t expect to go anywhere or get anything back, at least right away. Sometimes the meditator generates a pleasant feeling, but many times she leaves wondering, “did that have any effect at all? I’m supposed to be Calm!!” The most impressive differences in meditators' brains were seen with long-term practice, including thicker cortical regions for perceptual brain maps (Lazar et al., 2005). Brain imaging showed that meditators who practiced from 7-9 years around 4-6 hours per week had more gray matter dedicated to what brain scientists think involves taking information in clearly. For these meditators, it all started somewhere, and it can for you too. In one study, brain areas with beginning meditators were shown to be different after only 8 weeks of daily meditation and mindfulness practice1 (Hölzel et al., 2011). One of these brain areas included the hippocampus increasing density – which is the exact opposite of what happens in worsening anxiety and depression! The hippocampus is tied to forming long-term memories and emotion regulation. 

​   3. Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
Main strength: easy to read. Salzberg explores research-based changes that result from meditation. A CD is also included with some great guided meditations. I see guided meditations like sketching with tracing paper. Tracing paper can help students gain confidence when first learning how to draw. If you’re truly first starting, this book is a great place. The primary method of meditation taught is concentration (“samadhi”) meditation, which is arguably the first step towards a larger meditation practice. 

   4. Peace is in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
If you have a Bachelor’s Degree in liberal arts, there is a good chance you’ve read this already. This book is overwhelmingly simple and elegant - and popular! Thich Nhat Hanh lays out some formal practices, but really dives deep into the concept of “gathas” or anchoring words we can use to focus our attention. The book includes instructions on doing the dishes, laundry, and other chores with gratitude, pleasantness, and mindful attention. A must-have for anyone serious about meditation.  

  5. YouTube search “Concentration Meditation” “Counting Meditation” “Body Scan” or “Thought Defusion Meditation”
​Not everyone has time to sit down with a book or even the funds to purchase an app. There are still robust options for you. YouTube is a haven for free, guided meditations from trusted and untrusted sources. One quick tip is to watch out for meditations that ask you to “shut off your mind” “turn off your thoughts” or suppress your thinking/emotions in any other way. These people are not in tune with the spirit of mindfulness and have no business creating meditations. That being said – one trustworthy source is the Calm App’s channel. They offer many free meditations. If you’re interested in the authors listed above, their meditations can also be found on YouTube for free. Thich Nhat Hanh’s Calm and Ease meditation is especially simple, easy to memorize, and a great relaxation strategy. 

References:
Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2010.08.006 

Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., McGarvey, M., Quinn, B. T., Dusek, J. A., Benson, H., Rauch, S. L., Moore, C. I., & Fischl, B. (2005). Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. NeuroReport, 16(17), 1893–1897. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.wnr.0000186598.66243.19 

1 Some extra factors besides meditation this group was exposed to include the use of social interaction, gentle stretching, and additional informal meditation practices. It’s impossible to relate these changes to formal sitting meditation alone.

Understanding Flow
 
“Flow” is so aptly named – like the beautiful whooshing waterfall, flow describes the mind-state of total absorption into a task. A dancer in flow loses sight of the world around her and becomes totally enmeshed with the present moment. She becomes one with the rhythm and melody, and internally, she may feel pride, accomplishment, and in other words: an endorphin rush. Even though she worked very hard to get to her level of skill, one does not have to be deeply skilled to attune themselves to flow.
 
Flow contains eight main aspects:

1. Total concentration
2. Clear goals and instant feedback
3. Time speeds up and time slows down
4. Sense of intrinsic reward
5. Lack of effort and experience of ease
6. Challenge and skill are equally matched
7. Loss of self-evaluation and rumination
8. Sense of control

(Oppland, 2021)     Researchers are asking – what role does flow play in depression and anxiety? One study of Swedish twins showed that flow has a significant genetic and environmental factor. It’s possible to be born with a capacity for flow, but it’s also possible to engage in flow based on what one has learned. They also pointed to flow as a possible protective factor against depression and emotional burnout (Mosing et al. 2018). The more flow one is able to achieve on a regular basis, the more they may be insulated against stress if an extreme stressor comes to their emotional world.
              Other studies showed that people who experience large amounts of anxiety may experience greater challenges entering the flow mind-state (Kranjčev & Hlupić, 2021; Ullén et al. 2012). The data is not clear as to the exact link between anxiety and flow, nor does research clarify any impacts on anxiety from learning how to more regularly achieve flow. However, Ullén et al. could conclude from their sample that flow was not related to intelligence (2012). One does not have to be a genius chess player or virtuoso pianist to enjoy flow!
              Regardless, the originator of flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, maintains that it is an important aspect of wellbeing. Through his original research, he collected a vast amount of accounts, creating a huge qualitative sample of artists, writers, teachers, rock climbers, and professional athletes. Csikszentmihalyi drew the conclusion that flow is an integral aspect of living the “good life,” and that people who are missing daily flow experiences are seriously missing out (Csikszentmihalyi, 2009).
 
How do I achieve flow?
 
              Flow is simple to achieve with the right structure. Drawing the eight qualities from above, see the below step by step.

1. Choose a task
   1. This could be a skill or a chore
   2. For chores, often the skill you’re building is mindfulness and not necessarily increasing the quality of your work
2. Recognize my current level of skill
   1. Eg. On piano I can play Minuet in G but not Moonlight Sonata
   2. Eg. I can pay attention to the sensations of folding the laundry without any other distractions for 3 second before going on autopilot
3. Choose the next step to building my skill
   1. On piano, I need to practice each hand separately for Moonlight Sonata
   2. With laundry, I need to turn off all outside distractions and engage mindfully with handling the fabric, returning my attention to the fabric, being in sync with my bodily movements rather than lost in thought
4. Just do it: engage with your activity at a scheduled time
   1. I practice piano every day at 4pm for 20 minutes
   2. I fold laundry at least twice per week, Sundays and Thursdays

 
Flow is achieved when the level of skill matches with the level of challenge. However, there is a personal responsibility in understanding what level of skill we have and our degree of attention to the moment. An expert pianist could certainly enter a feeling of flow when playing Moonlight Sonata despite the fact that the piece would be easy for the pianist. Why? An expert pianist is able to achieve flow by creating a challenge from the piece, perfecting their form, accents, dynamics, etc. Essentially, anything could be a flow activity if we search for the craft in the activity.  

Is Flow Just Mindfulness?
 
              This is a question that is yet to be meaningfully answered and I’m afraid I don’t know either. In dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills training, Linehan connects to the experience of one-mindfulness to flow, but only briefly and without extensive research cited (2014). One-mindfulness is a type of informal mindfulness where the participant pays close attention during any sort of mundane task. An example of one-mindfulness can be found when washing the dishes. With one-mindfulness, we learn to love the act of washing the dishes through attention to the senses. Mindfully smelling the soap, feeling the hot water, scrubbing the dishes as if someone we love is immediately about to eat off them – by doing these things we create a mindful activity. Or do we create a flow activity? One gap in research involves the lack of comparison between neurobiological markers of the flow state and the concentration/bodily awareness mindful state. If there’s any discrimination on the face level, the sense of achievement is certainly separate from mindfulness, which often has no goal other than completing the activity for its own sake.
              Either way – whether we want to achieve new heights, or just want to do something to get into the present moment – flow offers a chance for growth. Flow also offers a promise for pleasant feelings of internal reward.
 
“Of all the virtues we can learn no trait is more useful, more essential for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.” – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
 
 
References
 
8 ways to Create flow according to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi [+TED TALK]. (2021, February 15).
Retrieved May 10, 2021, from https://positivepsychology.com/mihaly-csikszentmihalyi-father-of-flow/
 
Kranjčev, M., & Vukasović Hlupić, T. (2021). Personality, anxiety, and cognitive failures as
predictors of flow proneness. Personality and Individual Differences, 179, 110888.
doi:10.1016/j.paid.2021.110888
Ullén, F., De Manzano, Ö, Almeida, R., Magnusson, P. K., Pedersen, N. L., Nakamura, J., . . . Madison, G. (2012). Proneness for psychological flow in everyday life: Associations with personality and intelligence. Personality and Individual Differences, 52(2), 167-172. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2011.10.003
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition (Second Edition, Available
separately: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second ed.). The Guilford Press.
Mosing, M. A., Butkovic, A., & Ullén, F. (2018). Can flow experiences be protective of work-related depressive symptoms and burnout? A genetically informative approach. Journal of Affective Disorders, 226, 6-11. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2017.09.017
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2009). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper and Row.

Article & Illustration by Aaron Reslink, MHC-P

              “Self-care” seems like the new and woke response to any mention of anxiety or depression. “I’ve been really anxious today.” “Self-care!” The word gets said again and again until it means almost nothing at all. For many, this could feel invalidating without recognizing a deeper definition of self-care. Here goes some clearer definitions of self-care that won’t leave you feeling ignored, as well as some reasons why “self-care” as a suggestion might stand as an avoidance tactic.  
             
The Internal Parent
 
Many people find themselves moving on from their parents into independence. They get a house or apartment, an automobile, and sometimes even a white picket fence. But just as children need to be directed: “Brush your teeth!” “Do your homework!” sometimes we need to be directed as adults. Dr. Thomas Harris invented an entire style of therapy centered around the “parent-tape” inside of our own thought patterns (see: I’m OK – You’re OK). Basically, the things our parents once told us to do – whether for better or worse – still play on repeat in our minds.
From the view of Dr. Harris’s text, self-care could have more to do with the way we fulfill our own basic care activities without external prompting. Nobody is telling us to brush our teeth, but we do. No parent is present telling the depressed person to put on their clothes in the morning during that exact moment – but by choosing this activity, they start a whole chain reaction that could lead to a less depressed day. Following the helpful aspects of this internal parent script might act as the most basic form of self-care.
 
The Self-Soother
 
              When therapists tell clients and each other to practice self-care, usually they mean self-soothing. “Soothing” conjures up images of babies chomping on their own feet, or a box of fluffy kittens. Adults ignore their own need for self-soothing on a daily basis. It’s part of being an adult, since so many moments of the day are not worth our limited emotional energy. Unfortunately, those moments add up, and then we have a big pile of anxiety, muscle tension, irritability, that seems otherwise unexplainable.
              The simple solution that everyone is talking about? Yes, a robot-shaped bath-bomb from Lush. But also – anything that satisfies that need similar to a baby eating her own foot. A warm blanket, a cup of tea, a chance to listen to the birds outside. The challenge might be in finding the time to do this activity, and getting your head into the pleasurable moment. (For a hilarious example of self-soothing in this regard, see Parks and Recreation – Season 4 Episode 4). But just as Donna and Tom find out in Parks and Recreation – the challenge also lies in experiencing this hedonism not as pleasurable means-to-an-end, but as a full and mindful experience.
 
Self-Care as Everything Healthy
 
              Notable self-care and mindfulness researchers Dr. Catherine Cook-Cottone and colleague Dr. Wendy Guyker created a comprehensive, two-part definition of mindful self-care: “. . .an iterative process that involves (a) mindful awareness and assessment of one’s internal needs and external demands and (b) intentional engagement in specific practices of self-care to address needs and demands in a manner that serves one’s well-being and personal effectiveness,” (Cook-Cottone & Guyker, 2017). Simply put, these researchers view mindful self-care as an ongoing process where one connects to oneself about what could help, then intentionally engages in what could help.
              Their mindful self-care scale includes six categories:

1. mindful relaxation
2. physical care
3. self-compassion and purpose
4. supportive relationships
5. supportive structure
6. mindful awareness

(Cook-Cottone & Guyker, 2017)
 
              The researchers’ original article encompasses a wide definition of self-care, but maybe that’s needed for such a comprehensive topic. At the same time, this definition could be overgeneralizing – can anything a person does that is purposefully healthy really be considered “self-care?” The scale was tested for validity in a 2019 study, showing that the scale does target the concept of self-care (Hotchkiss & Cook-Cottone). While this definition may be the broadest, it also shares the strength of containing layers with detailed aspects of self-care.
 
Why is “Self-Care” As a Suggestion so Invalidating?
 
              Asking someone to perform “Self-Care” without further specification is basically saying “Oh, look over there!!!” It’s deflection, distraction, and ignoring the root of the problem. As Linehan’s DBT states – there’s many moments where this ability is crucial (Linehan, 2014). Sometimes there’s no option to address the problem and we must bide our time by addressing the feeling of crisis instead – and why not enjoy that time if possible? However, in cases where the other person may be playing a role or hold responsibility to the problem, such as workforce complaints or relationship conflicts, suggesting “self-care” is the ultimate modern avoidance tactic.
              Self-care also holds a deeply personal connotation. Each unique person will soothe differently – I may love Rocky Horror as a comfort movie but my partner might hate it! To follow, employers suggesting self-care also ignore the root of the problem within one’s own workplace, while acting overly vague to the point of inertia. It’s like asking an ice cream vendor for simply “ice cream.” Well do you want the SpongeBob shaped popsicle or do you want soft serve? Asking a person to “do self-care” without specifying meaning is as empty as asking someone to “make me lunch.” Well – what’s your order – sandwich, soup, escargot? 
              Therapists and supervisors must do better when it comes to teaching about self-care, and remain close to evidence-based practices like DBT, which promotes specificity when teaching about soothing and distraction as specific, separate skills. And for the rest of us – we might benefit from taking that mindful self-care survey to find out exactly what areas we’re ignoring…
 
 
 
Cook-Cottone, C. P., & Guyker, W. M. (2017). The development and validation of the mindful self-care scale (MSCS): an Assessment of Practices that Support Positive Embodiment. Mindfulness, 1-15.
 
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition (Second Edition, Available separately: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second ed.). The Guilford Press.
 
Hotchkiss J. T., & Cook-Cottone C. P. (2019). Validation of the mindful self-care scale (MSCS) and development of the Brief-MSCS among hospice and healthcare professionals: a confirmatory factor analysis approach to validation. Palliative and Supportive Care, 1–9.
 
Harris, T. A. (1999). I'm OK -- you're OK: A practical guide to transactional analysis. New York, NY: Galahad Books.

By Kimberly Collins, LMHC, MFT
​
When it comes to our memory we don’t often think of it as story telling because our memory is a collection of our recollections. When we re-tell a story from our past the way we present that material and our willingness to present that information differently actually creates how that memory is stored and changed over time. This doesn’t mean that our memories are always inaccurate of invaluable. On the contrary it means that our memories, and our telling of them gives us the chance to write out own story and emphasize the parts that we want to focus on.

Many therapies focus on our thoughts (cognitions) and our interpretation of those thoughts. Our beliefs are essentially rigid thoughts developed from our values and our life experiences that allow us to label the event as good or bad. How we talk about ourselves impacts how we feel about ourselves, and therefore how we speak about our past experiences helps to shape how we feel about our past experiences.

I want to be clear, this is not done in an event to minimize or discredit our experience but done instead to help us to let go of stories that no longer serve us, meaning they create distress or feelings that are counteractive to how we want to hold the memory or prevent us from being able to connect with our present moment.
For example “I wasn’t really good at sports or activities. I signed up doing a lot of different things but I never found anything I was naturally good at. I didn’t take a lot of the activities very seriously because I wasn’t very good and felt like people were going to find out how bad I was and not want me to participate. I didn’t develop really close friendships during these activities and was always headed off to the next thing.”

​Or I can tell the same story this way; “I signed up for a lot of different activities. I thought people were supposed to have something they were really good at without trying very hard. This belief resulted in me becoming frustrated when I wasn’t very good and instead of focusing my attention on learning or practicing, I talked to my peers a lot, so much that I missed opportunities to learn. Because of this I am able to connect better with others because I have a varied level of interest and some
experience with many different sports and hobbies.”

These are both the same story but one focuses on the strengths and one focuses on the losses. One of these stories leaves me empowered and the other leaves me feeling shame and loss. The story though is mine to tell; be careful how you narrate your story.

By: Kimberly Collins, LMHC, MFT

Everyone in the world has needs, but getting our needs met may look different. Some people may demand their needs be addressed, others may silently hope their needs get addressed, and others don’t even think about their own needs and often find themselves feeling burnt out and resentful. When it comes to getting out needs met the basic components are to (1) Identify our needs (2) clearly express and communicate our needs with others (3) respond to our needs that are either met or unmet.
Yes it is really that simple, however many other things get in the way of the process going this smoothly. Fears about identifying and requesting our needs, beliefs about what it means to have needs or how needs are addressed; for example were you raised to talk about your needs and get assistance? Were you met with statements like “if you want it work for it” or perhaps that others were not willing, or available to meet your needs?
All of these things get in the way of asking, but they are beliefs not facts. I believe my partner isn’t going to take action to meet my needs, therefore I do not ask or. I believe my partner isn’t going to take action to meet my needs, so I am uncomfortable and unclear in my request, my partner takes some action but missed the main messages and now I feel defeated.
Identifying our needs is difficult enough, being willing to spend time thinking about our needs and our motivations behind those needs is vital. If we are unable to clearly identify our own needs, is it fair to expect our partner, child, sister, friend to know us ‘better than we know ourselves’? Those cliché’s may be heartwarming to some but they set us up for a lack of communication, lack or requests and greater chance that our needs will go unmet.
To identify our needs we need to be willing to pay attention to ourselves. Notice our bodies, thirst, thoughts. Mindfulness is a great skill to help improve ability to focus and to observe thoughts without acting upon them.
Once we have our needs identified to increase chances of getting our needs met we have to be willing to share what we have learned about ourselves with others. A simple method is to focus on positive specific requests for change.
 
Positive- what is the behavior or words that you want to see? If there is a specific behavior you want to reduce, what would you see in its place? Instead of “I want you to stop playing on your phone when we talk” what is it you would like to be happening? “I would like us to talk without distractions, no phones, tv etc” or “I would like us to have more eye contact during when we talk”. The importance of focusing on positive is because by increasing the behavior that is desired, the problem behavior will most likely decrease since they are not congruent.
Specific- this is not the time to be vague. What exactly is the behavior? When do you want it to occur? How often? We don’t find time in life, we make time. Setting aside intentional time to engage in the new behavior/activity is necessary until this becomes the new normative behavior. Defining vague terms is the best way to clear up miscommunications. Instead of saying “I want more support from my partner” which could be interpreted as any number of things. What do you think is supportive? Being specific means probing deeper. “I want more support from my partner, for me support means helping with household chores such as vacuuming, doing the dishes, preparing meals, and grocery shopping”. Great that is a good start but how much support do you want? How often? “I would like my partner to increase support by preparing 1 meal each week, and doing the dishes each night”.
Request- with any negotiation this is a request not a demand. Demands create a power differential, where 1 person holds the power to demand and the other lacks power by completing the task. Requests allow relationships to be balanced and offer room for negotiation. Making a request means being willing to hear no. If you are not willing to hear no then you are making a demand.
When we put positive specific requests together we are asking for others to help us meet our needs and providing them with the information necessary to meet those needs. Many people get stuck in the mindset that asking for our needs somehow makes it feel less rewarding when our needs get met. This is a total lie. Asking for our needs to get met provides our friends and family with increased awareness as to what “help” looks like, what behaviors we want/like/appreciate and as a result they will actually be better prepared to meet your needs spontaneously in the future.
This is the second emphasis on request versus demand. In request you are giving the other person and opportunity to choose. Demands followed by a met need are often less than satisfactory because the element of choice was removed. Request allows each person the opportunity to choose each other, choose the relationship.
So the next time you find yourself biting your tongue, or saying “I don’t care”. Remember you ae providing false information to your partner, and this is often the beginning of the vow of silence that breeds resentment, change and intimacy.
 
 

By Kimberly Collins, LMHC, MFT

​In my work with couples and families there is an overwhelming culture of silence, or lack of conversation about sex. While sex continues to grow within our media as a primary focus of tv shows, movies, and literature as a safe topic to explore, within most homes across America it remains a taboo subject of conversation. So although we are being exposed more and more to sex, sexual content, and experiences that may challenge our beliefs surrounding sex and masturbation: the message is not carrying over into our conversations with partners.

While sex sells is not a newly coined phrase, the awareness of the impact on our adolescence has become a new are of interest. In a study by M.F. Van Oosten, Peter and Vandenbosch, of 1,467 adolescents (aged 13-17, 50% female), there was a direct correlation between exposure to sexually explicit Internet material and increased willingness to engage in causal sex.
What about adults though? How does this information impact those who are already engaged in sexual acts and their willingness to now use vulnerability to discuss with their partners and what happens when that discussion is nonexistent?

In relationships what we talk about is where we direct our energy and the discomfort related to our shame in discussing sex reduces our willingness to engage in these conversations. Lack of conversations about sex, desires, interest, likes and dislikes, contributes to mind reading, hypervigilance, and maintaining routines out of comfort. Now don’t get me wrong, being comfortable with your partner is a beautiful experiences, but there is a difference between being comfortable = satiated, and engaging in a routine out of comfort= fear.

• Mind reading, hypervigilance and routine comfort impact relationships negatively. Mind reading results in assumptions about our partners experience without direct feedback on their end. Mind reading goes unchecked by partner, as a result of discomfort talking about or lack of awareness about what feels good, and the behaviors continues due to misinterpretation.
• Hypervigilance can occur when in desperation for feedback a partner becomes hyper aware of every response in order to assess whether experiences are pleasurable or not and can often decreases one’s own sexual satisfaction due to being out of touch with the physical body.
• Routine patterns result after decision are made using mindreading or hypervigilance and a decision is made that this is what works, and therefore I will keep doing what works, and avoid new experiences where I would have to engages with the discomfort of mind reading and hypervigilance again in the future.

So how do we begin to talk about sex with our partners? It’s not the how that is the issue, but more how do we make it a safe place to be able to talk about sex. The first step is to be clear on the intention with our partner and call out the elephant in the room. Simply stating “we don’t talk about our sex life and I’d like to even though it may be awkward for us both”.

Beginning these conversations and making space for the discomfort. Beginning to talk about anything for the first time feels uncomfortable because we simply do not know. Start by talking about messages you have heard about sex, and what your thoughts are about those messages. Take time to engage in or discuss solo-sex (masturbation) as well as messages received about this topic. Beginning to explore the impact of what you have heard, combined with the insight that these messages often go unchecked for years is a great way to start to get to know your partner in an intimate way.
Learning to provide feedback about likes and dislikes, allows validation to occur naturally and reducing shame attached to less than satisfactory explorations. Meaning pretty simply when the goal becomes to try new things and see what feels good, the pressure for everything to feel good all the time decreases.
As this modern area continues to expand our exposure to sex, it is time now for us to speak up more about what we are seeing and how it does or does not fit into our world. Only with increased communication can we radically accept our sexuality and live within beliefs that serve our values.


References:
Johanna M. F. van Oosten, Jochen Peter, Laura Vandenbosch, Adolescents' Sexual Media Use and Willingness to Engage in Casual Sex: Differential Relations and Underlying Processes, Human Communication Research, Volume 43, Issue 1, 1 January 2017, Pages 127–147, https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12098

​To schedule an appointment with Kimberly Collins, please visit portal.hillviewcounseling.com